Good happens throughout our lives. Earning success. Finding love. Embracing a passion. Creating a family. Truth be told sometimes we just need to be aware of the good instead of searching out the negative. It's always there. It really is, just look around you.
Bad happens. Failures. Miscommunication. Illness. Brokenness. Dishonesty. Loneliness.
And the ugly happens. Addiction. Death. Abandonment. Fear. Abuse. Divorce. Hatred.
In the big perspective of life, we experience all of these emotions at different times, to various levels and varying outcomes. In our daily lives these times happen as well. The good - a recipe turns out well, acing a test or a smile is received from a stranger. Bad happens - cussing, wet towels on the floor, or running out of milk.
And then the ugly can happen.
And it happened last week at my house.
I yelled at my kids. I really yelled at my kids.
In honesty, I screamed.
That ugly, deep, where the hell did this voice come from scream.
I was like a volcano that slowly built up pressure and exploded. Hot lava overflows similar to my unkind comments and the need to be persistent.
Lava slowly destroys and burns as did the words my children heard me speak to them. To them... the most loved and treasured part of my life.
After a volcano erupts, there is nothing left but damage. Ugly damage. Unrepairable damage.
A black cloud looms overhead for days, like my words and actions.
The aftermath, the sting of it all then becomes very real.
From there, it is determined what happens next, how can things be repaired, how will things be rebuild? Will things ever be like before the eruption?
Lava slowly destroys and burns as did the words my children heard me speak to them. To them... the most loved and treasured part of my life.
After a volcano erupts, there is nothing left but damage. Ugly damage. Unrepairable damage.
A black cloud looms overhead for days, like my words and actions.
The aftermath, the sting of it all then becomes very real.
From there, it is determined what happens next, how can things be repaired, how will things be rebuild? Will things ever be like before the eruption?
I've not been able to sleep well the past few nights. I know when things really bother me because I "write" in my mind. What I should have done was get out of bed, sit at the computer to process the ugly feelings and form my confession; to turn my confession into a prayer of forgiveness.
I know you may be thinking "I've yelled at my kids before." Am I that ugly?
I too have yelled at my kids. But this time felt different to me. My throat was sore. All three kids cried. I had put fear in their hearts. I know I did, I saw it in their faces.
My all time favorite wise woman Maya Angelou says,
"When you know better, you do better. "
But I know better and I chose worse. I failed to do what I know.
Ask anyone in my home, I don't like loud volume, it makes me uncomfortable.
Yet, I was the loud one, the uncomfort in our home.
Immediately after my ugly scream, I was holding B and this quote by C.S. Lewis came to mind,
"All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you turn to God and say,
"All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you turn to God and say,
"You must do this. I can't."
As I was reading one morning this week, I scrolled the sidebar of favorite bloggers. Ironic that a post addressed this issue this week? Nope, not at all. As parents it is a continual pendulum that swings back and forth, the pendulum of patience.
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| Brian Kershisnik |
I was reassured that when I finally did say, "You must do this, I can't" that He presented two things to me. One, being this article, The Important Thing About Yelling. Two being the picture above that I have forever loved by Brian Kershisnik seen on another blog this week. Her post mentioned sorrow which brought this all full circle. That picture spoke to me years ago as a young mom who had just become aware of her woman circle; that circle of women who encourage you and challenge you. The circle of women who become your Earth angels.
As I mentioned before, this incident happened recently. In fact I wrote it and hadn't look back to edit until today. However I did not post this until I had a day of feeling peaceful and a day of accomplished parenting. A day when I could look back and know that I learned from the situation, that I'd been forgiven and that I'd continue to "do better." Sometimes those days are few and far between. But on those days, those days of feeling so out of control, I must surrender and say, "You must do this, I can't."
Amen.
1 comment:
That Maya Angelou quote has been a long time favorite of mine. I am glad you shared this post with us. I had one of these days recently, and had the raw throat too, and saw how Boyd kept shying away from me anytime I tried to say something for a few days. Then just the other day I wanted to yell again, but I felt a voice tell me that it was more for me to release MY anger, and that it wasn't Boyd's actions as much. I was able to talk to him in a calm voice.
I know we don't know each other in person, but you are my online earth angel. And I think if we were neighbors, we'd have a lot to talk about, and we'd have a lot of fun. :)
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